Thursday, 31 March 2011

Drive-By of the Tiger

Although I'm no fan of the species Felis Catus, my reliable cartoons of yore have once again taught me valuable lessons about not judging books by their covers. Despite their prickly tongues and asshole attitudes, cats can indeed serve a more useful function; as loyal steeds.

Come on, don't tell me you never wanted to hop on the back of a cat and ride off into action. Sure, maybe dogs are more pragmatic but cats are jerks and I'd much rather kick them in the ribs to speed up.

As always, here are prime examples to prove that my rants aren't just the byproduct of years of wild hedonism:

Easily the most infamous of manly men who ride giant cats is He-Man and his loyal sidekick, Battlecat. We all know the tale, lazy buttfuck Prince Adam and his useless-as-a-tit scaredy cat Cringer transform into the mighty He-Man and Battlecat. Whereas they'd usually chill out and nap, when danger arose, they'd sprint off into action.

The best part was that Battlecat came with a built-in saddle that He-Man's honey could also ride on. This cat was the ultimate wingman! Easily the winner of "giant cats I'd love to ride to work" but let's continue since I made the effort to pirate these pictures from other websites.

Okay, so Voltron took Battlecat, made him chromey, and multiplied him by five. Bitchin'.

Unless Anime cartoons are about schoolgirls getting raped by tentacles, they're otherwise about robots who fight evil separately, get their asses handed to them, then combine to create a giant mo' fo' who'd wipe the floor with the villain of the week during the last five minutes of the episodes.

Voltron pretty much followed the same formula. Only with cats. Awesome.

The five cats had a host of color-coordinated pilots. Together, they would form the giant robot Voltron who had fuckin' tigers for hands and a giant sword that could split the sun in half. Or so I always wished at least.

Since the ThunderCats were masters of branding themselves, they naturally created fortresses and vehicles based off of... well, themselves.

Egotistical bitches.

The beloved ThunderTank was their primary means of cruising around Third Earth and blowing shit up. The grill was teeth, it had retractable claws, it was all around wicked bad ass.

Although I can honestly say it's never occurred to me to build a car that's based off the human body, much less myself. That said, now that I think about it...

Although a Marvel Comics character, he appeared in the 90's X-Men cartoon so he fits here just fine.

Ka-Zar and his sabre tooth tiger, Zabu would roam around the prehistoric Savage Land, keep the peace, and sniff mutant catnip.

Naturally, the X-Men would show up from time to time and screw things up royally as they're prone to do. Leave it to a gargantuan tiger and beefcake in a loin cloth to clean up their mess.

And there you have it. With my birthday looming, I can relieve y'all of the burden of which car to buy me. Just know that a domesticated cheetah would do just fine instead.

Monday, 21 March 2011

Sexy Scary

Sometimes sexy ain't just big tits and blond extensions. For every dumb bimbo, there's always that je ne sais quoi that trumps it all. The world of science fiction takes this to a whole other disturbing level. In many sci-fi franchises, the creators take "sexy" to gross, weird places that, while still titillating, are also downright horrifying.

The sequel to Alien (aptly named Aliens) featured not one but a bazillion of those creepy xenomorphs. The designs of the Aliens by H.R. Giger was vaguely sexual, made even more epic in the second film. Don't you tell me you don't see stilt-legged dildos scampering around drippy vagina caves when you watch the movie.

The big reveal, however, was when Ripley stumbled into the Alien Queen's hive. There the Queen was pumping out face-hugger eggs until her uncircumcised penis face split out of her head to mark her territory.

Gross? Yes. Unnerving? Damn right. Vaguely arousing? You betcha.

The original V proved that the letter didn't just stand for the alien Visitors but also vixen! Second-in-command to the fleet of Visitor ships, Diana was the sadistic and vicious sexpot who filled out an orange jumpsuit very nicely.

The creep factor comes in once you realize that beauty only is skin deep. Her sexy flesh was only a sham, covering her true reptilian, rat-eating, cold-hearted form. Her ultimate goal was to eat humanity too. Alive no less. Deliciously evil!

Star Trek: First Contact finally gave Trekkie movie-goers what they had been clamoring for: more Borg! The extra treat, however, was when the Borg Queen arrived. With a sultry voice declaring "I am Borg," a head, torso, and twitchy robotic spine came lowering down into black body that clamped down on her chest flesh. It was pure canned awesome.

But the sex appeal didn't stop there. The Borg Queen slinked around the screen, seducing the hapless Data by giving him real skin. After blowing on the tiny hairs on his arm and sending Data into orgasmic bliss, she looked up with black eyes and whispered "Was that good for you?"


This ain't just a game for the ladies. Farscape was oozing with weirdness but the pinnacle of calculating and confident sex appeal was none other than the heroes' nemesis, Scorpius. A commander in the Peacekeepers army, "Scorpy" hunted down and tortured John Crichton and his friends the entire series.

Dangerous, intimidating, driven, Scorpius was a man's man. Only in a dominatrix face mask. He was a mix of bad boy and kink. It's win-win!

Just because it's old, it doesn't mean it's any less sexy. Metropolis has been crediting as an influence to 2001: A Space Odyssey and Star Wars, telling the story of the clash between workers and owners in a dystopian future city. The real star of the movie, however, was Maria the machine mistress of Metropolis.

Think C-3P0 with a better rack, she was robo-nightmare with curves to kill for. Luckily, the movie has become popular again thanks to the steampunk movement so this lil' German film is confusing a new generation of young boys!

So Number Six from the Battlestar Galactica remake is more like actual sexy, not just implied sexy, she falls into the Diana school of thought. Smoke show hot on the outside, evil robot on the inside.

After the robotic slaves of the Twelve Colonies rebelled, they finally left, found God, and returned years later looking as human as their creators. Their herald was Number Six who loved to show some skin. Too straight-forward? Yeah, she was also solely responsible for destroying the Twelve Colonies in a nuclear holocaust. Sultry and sassy. Me likey!

So what have we learned? You might not have a D-cup. You might not be tall. You might have acid blood and a prehensile tail. But if you got it, you just got it!

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Overlooked Cartoons of the Nineties

So I've been light on updates lately. I have a big boy job, m'kay? How do you think I afford all those action figures? And mind-warping drugs. Anyway, to the meat of it!

Although my heart belongs to the Eighties, the Nineties had their fair share of wicked cartoon fare. That decade, however, belonged to the Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers. Any and all competition (and ripoffs) were swiftly and ruthlessly swept away as studio heads and toy companies vied for a piece of the pie. If product didn't sell as well as the Big Two, they were yanked from airwaves and toy aisles.

It's unfortunate since a lot of care was made into these shows. Between character development, production value, and overreaching plots that could easily stretch a few seasons, these cartoons could've been some epic television. Ah well. Listed here are a few of the lost gems that I really wish weren't cut short so soon.

Bucky O'Hare and the Toad Wars
Not just a favorite from the Nineties but a personal all-time fave was Bucky O'Hare and the Toad Wars. Based on the cult comic and created by the legendary Larry Hama, Bucky O'Hare took place in the Aniverse where anthropomorphic animals banded together to fight off the evil Toad Empire. The cast was rad too: the green rabbit Bucky was joined by sexy feline pilot Jenny, one-eyed/four-armed mallard Deadeye Duck, android AFC Blinky, and some lame ass Earth kid named Willy.

Although the Eighties had perfected the art of cross promoting a new show with a line of toys (or vice versa), the Nineties thought they could do it better. Bucky O'Hare was a prime example of why they were morons. The show was hastily slapped together and so the animation was kinda shitty. Worse, when Hasbro released the toys, they shipped the Toad Air Marshall more than any other action figure. As a result, it was impossible to find your favorite characters... I swear, there are still drug stores in the States that still have that damn Toad Air Marshall collecting dust.

Since sales were seemingly so poor, Hasbro cancelled the next two series of action figures and the show was next to be axed. Of all the revived cartoons over the past few years, Bucky's the one I'm gunning for most.

You can see the show's bitchin' intro here!

The Pirates of Dark Water
This was just a great show. 'Nuff said.

Okay, I should really explain why. The Pirates of Dark Water was a mix of Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean and followed a mismatched group of hotties on a quest to collect the Thirteen Treasures of Rule that, when combined, has the power to stop some evil black goo known as "Dark Water" from gobbling up the world of Mer.

The triad of heroes were your classic Luke/Han/Leia dynamic. Dreamboat Ren was the deposed prince of Octopon who has half of his father's sword, there was a rogue pirate Ioz, and the mysterious Tula who kinda looked like Princess Jasmine from Disney's Aladdin. They also had some annoying monkey bird named Niddler but the less said about him the better.

Naturally there were toys, lunchboxes, inflatable life vests... but all the marketing in the world couldn't help. Despite the epic plot and gorgeous watercolor backgrounds, this show sank before it was given the chance. If you're curious, here's the intro.

Skeleton Warriors
In the same vein as Pirates of Dark Water, Skeleton Warriors were fantasy freedom fighters defending their planet of Lumimaire from Skeletor ripoffs. Essentially, the conflict centres around control of the Lightstar Crystal. Baron Dark tried to steal it but it broke in half. His half turned him and his cadre into a pack of flying motorcycle-riding skeletons.

The heroes included Prince Lightstar, Grimskull, and Taryn who had powers from the other half of the crystal and... yeah, seriously? Who cares?! FLYING MOTORCYCLE-RIDING MOTHERFUCKING SKELETONS! That's canned awesome if I ever heard it!

As further proof, here's the show's heavy metal intro. As with the rest, the show only lasted thirteen episodes. They had toys, Happy Meal promotions, good intentions... but yeah, even I smelled death on this from the start (pun intended). It was a flimsy concept but one Hell of a ride while it lasted.

Earthworm Jim
Based off the popular Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis video game, Earthworm Jim was the heroic tale of a simple earthworm who is transformed into a intergalactic hero by a robotic super suit. With a hook like that, you could sell used needles to vegans.

Most episodes involved a host of awesomely hilarious villains trying to rip Jim from the super suit, destroy the universe, or just act like general assholes. Earthworm Jim, along with his sidekick Peter Puppy, his girlfriend Princess What's-Her-Name (no for reals, that was her name), and his pet snot... named Snot... would thwart these evil-doings.

It was funny science fiction nonsense at its best. Shockingly, it lasted a whopping two seasons and spawned a line of toys from Playmates but then whimpered off into the night.

God speed, Earthworm Jim. You'll be missed. Oh yeah, and I know I have a theme going with opening intro but I couldn't find it... and it's late... and I'm running out of steam. Also I have to pee. So go out and buy the fucking DVD. I'm not your whore.

Last up is Freakazoid!, a series created by Steven Spielberg, and Bruce Timm and Paul Dini of Batman: The Animated Series fame. Freakazoid was an insane superhero whose alter ego was a geeky 16-year-old named Dexter Douglas. Dexter gained superpowers from a computer bug and got strength, speed, and agility for some reason... Hell, I just get porn pop-ups.

While a spinoff from the hugely successful Animaniacs and Pinky & the Brain, Freakazoid! was also competing against them. Despite running for two seasons, Freakazoid! struggled with ratings until far later on when it became a cult hit. I loved it. I still do. But only because of its glaring similarities with Mike Allred's comic book, Madman... who was an insane superhero with a shockingly similar costume and chest insignia. And who I also love.

Yay plagiarism!

Oh right, and just so I can cap this off, here's Freakazoid!'s intro.