Monday, 29 November 2010

Ch-ch-ch-Christmas!

Okay, so this article's title doesn't make sense but if you know your Chia Pets, you'll remember the commercial that could kick the Clapper's ass. And then give it the Clap. Zing.

Although I had once tried to make a Scooby-Doo Chia Pet, the results were both disgusting and disastrous and I ended up just chucking that nasty whore back in the gutter.

However, I found out that a "Chia Tree with Star Light" was available for the holidays and I had to try again, even just to prove to myself that I don't destroy everything I touch.

It comes with the standard fare... a completely unsexy plastic tray to rest the Chia Tree on, a package of chia seeds (enough to make three rounds if you're that industrious), and the real money shot: a terracotta planter shaped like cats, turtles, or (in this case) a Christmas tree!

Step one is to soak said planter for an hour. Since I royally fucked up last time, I decided to err on the side of overkill and soaked it for three days. Same diff.

Next you soak the seeds for an hour. This time I actually followed the instructions because even after an hour, it's so vile that I fear what could potentially happen if left alone to its own devices.

Since this is a holiday-themed Chia Pet, I tried to go in with brazen optimism. But if you see the seed soak with your own eyes, nothing, and I mean nothing will ever seem wholesome again. It's like a horrifying stew of tapioca, sperm, and dark matter.

Adding insult to injury, there's no easy way to slap this shit on so (you guessed it) ya just dive your hands right in.

At first it was unsettling. And when I say unsettling, I would probably rather murder my family and feast on their gooey innards. But eventually, once you get used to the slime seemingly seeping into your skin, it became relaxing... therapeutic even.

I haven't been this calm since I learned I was dying.

At last, I had smooshed the seeds all over the terracotta tree and now? The waiting game.

Oh yeah, and I forgot another selling feature of the Chia Tree. It comes with a waterproof (so I'm told) star you stick on the top. It abruptly changes colors and makes you believe in a higher power who loves you. Or something.

Also, because I now consider myself a Chia Pet aficianado, I can tell you that you should put a plastic bag over the tree to help it grow. No, I don't have a green thumb, I just read up a lot beforehand.

Back in two weeks with a lush, green update!

Monday, 15 November 2010

Gingers of the '90s

Although I was of the highbrow opinion that the 1980s had the stranglehold on redheaded leading ladies, the '90s were no slouch either.

Easily the most popular (and stupidest) on this list is April O'Neil from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Although she's appeared in every incarnation of the Ninja Turtles before and after the '90s cartoon, this version is the most infamous.

The show's version of Lois Lane, April was a reporter for Channel 6 News and had a complete disregard for their "no tits hanging out of your Kill Bill-esque yellow jumpsuit" dress code. April talked tough but always seemed to get kidnapped by Shredder and Krang... and guess who had to bail her out every damn time?

Come to think of it, I think this was the premise of every Ninja Turtles video game I ever played. Bitch lived in New York, you'd figure she'd own a gun. Save yourself you useless twat, I'm saving my two remaining lives for beating up Bebop and Rocksteady.

My favorite gal from the '90s was the Real Ghostbusters' secretary, Janine Melnitz. With her blocky jewelry, miniskirts, Brooklyn accent, and ball-busting attitude, Janine kept the Ghostbusters in line (and busted a few ghosts herself).

That changed later in the series, however, when producers felt she was too abrasive and decided to redesign and recast poor Janine into a boring motherly hen. This type of pussy studio thinking was one of the reasons writer J. Michael Straczynksi left the show. Can't blame him.

Speaking of mother figures, Jean Grey from the hugely popular X-Men cartoon didn't see as much action as Storm or Rogue but was always in the wings, quietly boiling with power until she transformed into the godlike Phoenix.

Jean was also the resident player, with the likes of Cyclops and Wolverine lusting after her. The X-Men loved them some firecrotch, what can I say?

Before she went all bleach blond bimbo and changed her name to "Peach" there was Princess Toadstool from Super Mario Bros.

Despite being futt bugly in the first game, she redeemed herself in Super Mario Bros 2, getting a nose job and being the best character to play. She was also a prominent character in the '90s cartoon but, like April O'Neil, was largely a damsel-in-distress archetype.

At least I'm betting she put out every time she was rescued, ensuring plumber Mario never got "backed up."

Although royalty like Toadstool, Princess Sally Acorn from Sonic the Hedgehog was the leader of the Freedom Fighters, intent on retaking her kingdom from Dr. Robotnik.

The Sonic cartoon never fell into any video game continuity but I loved it all the same. And Sally was bad ass. Unlike her other contemporaries, she wasn't all talk. Smart, sexy, tough, sexy, scrappy, sexy... yeah, I was hot for an anthropomorphic squirrel. I could do worse.

In the same vein of animal love, Elmyra Duff from Tiny Toon Adventures took it way too far. Not in that creepy "dry hump a dolphin" kind of too far but "hugged to death" kind of too far. Actually, that sounds like it's in the same boat, huh?

Anyhoo, Elmyra was always on the hunt for cutesy wootsy Tiny Toons to hug and squeeze forever and ever and EVER! Usually until said animal wound up injured or dead. Comedic gold! It's no small wonder why someone didn't just call the SPCA on this crazy bitch.

And there you have it. Even though we all make fun of those ginger daywalkers, we somehow can't get enough of that redheaded muff.

Monday, 1 November 2010

ChippenDisney

Disney cartoons are no stranger to interweb pervs painting the dainty and daring princesses in lesbian orgies but our Prince Charmings haven't had as many sordid affairs.

Luckily, David Kawena fixed this oversight on his deviantART page where he posed Aladdin, Tarzan, and jailbait boy wonder Peter Pan as Chippendale dancers.

I'm sure Uncle Walt is rolling in his grave... er, frozen head tube... but I ain't complaining. I always had a bit of a crush on Aladdin (voiced by DJ Tanner's boyfriend on Full House who was also a lil' dreamy) so this is right up my creepy alley.

Enjoy!