Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Archie Goes Gay

So apparently the Riverdale gang is getting a new addition to their white-washed gals and pals.

The September issue of Veronica will feature the story "Isn't it Bromantic?" that will introduce Kevin Keller, Archie's first openly gay character.

Blond haired, doe-eyed, a snappy dresser, and dumb as fuck, Kevin naturally has vapid windbag Veronica on his ass before he steps through the doors of Riverdale High.

Things get kooky when Jughead finds out that Kevin is gay and decides to screw with Veronica. Kevin tries to let her down easy, misunderstandings are abound, whacky hijinx ensue.

The really curious thing is that everyone's forgetting about Archie's still-in-the-closet friend, Jughead. For seventy years now, Jughead's been a steadfast girl-hater with a bitchy/scheming streak, and flamboyant hat.

Forget Kevin's misunderstands with Veronica; let's see him bag him some Jughead!

The jig's up, Jugs. Come to the Dark Side. Take the token 'mo with you.

Monday, 21 June 2010

Let's Get Physical

Truly, the leotard's heyday was in the early 80's. Between overtly-erotic fitness videos and the general love of all things spandex, cartoons of the era weren't spared of the leotard's rising popularity. Certainly, these lovely leotarded ladies personify this fashion frenzy:

Although her fellow femme G.I. Joes preferred tomboyish military fatigues that also showed off their tits, Scarlett went for the more form-fitting leotard.

Known for her martial arts and banging the team's sergeant, Scarlett's attire was both functional for high kicks and keeping her man interested. Crafty lil' minx, ain't she?

Cheetara from Thundercats was also guilty of donning a sweet orange leotard with matching tights.

Despite pouring herself into a skin tight spandex cat suit (pun intended) she easily wore more clothes than all her male counterparts... who were also apparent fans of bare legs and junk hanging out.

That said, fewer animated vixens have been as sexy as Cheetara so who am I to complain?

For the men of Masters of the Universe, fuzzy underwear was the staple. For the ladies, however, leotards were all the rage on Eternian catwalks.

From Teela and Evil-Lyn's matching bathing suits that also framed their boobs nicely to the Sorceress' feathered number, He-Man's gal pals loved to show off some leg.

This trend even carried on to the sister show, She-Ra, Princess of Power. She-Ra herself managed to rock a savvy mini-skirt but her alter ego Adora and all her lesbian pals were stuck in an Olivia Newton-John music video.

Lastly, we've got the short-lived Visionaries' foray into leotards. Each character had an animal totem on their chest that they could transform into. While the men could turn into lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) the women were water-based. The evil Virulina could turn into a bad ass shark but her blond goodie-goodie nemesis Galadria turned into a dolphin. Yup. Useless twat.

These ladies took leotards to horrible new lows as they were armored metal that would clearly wreck havoc on their bikini zones. But if you're fighting a shark with nothing but a dolphin fin, maybe a bit of extra padding is in order...

And there you have it. Love 'em or loathe 'em, leotards were everywhere back in the day and our youths were full of these beloved ass-flossing, leg-showing, one-piece wonders!

Monday, 7 June 2010

Let's Go, Voltron Force!

Whew, what a week!

Not long after news broke that ThunderCats are coming back to air waves and toy aisles, Mattel announced today that they have the master toy rights to another beloved '80s franchise, Voltron: Defender of the Universe!

Although most fans had hoped that Mattel would be awarded ThunderCats given their fantastic sculpts for their Masters of the Universe Classics and DC Universe Classics lines, I'll take Voltron as a consolation prize.

For you sloven yard apes who don't know Voltron, it was an American show that was the adaptation of two Japanese shows. The show featured a team of five young pilots commanding five robot lions. In each episode, the five lions would get their asses handed to them by the evil King Zarkon until they'd form a giant robot called Voltron who would always save the day with his wicked bad ass sword.

Why these punks never just charged in with Voltron right off the bat enraged and befuddled me every time. But I digress.

Each pilot had a uniform whose color (sometimes) matched their respective lion. This sound familiar yet?

Keith had the Black Lion/chest and head (but wore red), Lance had the Red Lion/right arm (but wore blue), Pidge had the Green Lion/left arm, Hunk was the Yellow Lion/left leg, and Princess Allura piloted the Blue Lion... even though she wears pink... Cuz girls can't wear anything but pink.

So yeah, if you're talking smack and screaming "this is Power Rangers, nyyyah!!" It's not! Shut it! It's better! AND was first! Also they're cats instead of dinos. Worlds of difference.

I'm also pretty sure there were whacks of combing robots with matchy-matchy costumes in Japanese animation before Voltron... but I don't really care enough to find out.

Anyhoo, naturally there will be an new animated series in 2011 to coincide with the new toys' release called Voltron Force. Like with ThunderCats, I'm worried it'll suck moose balls but I remain optimistic and ready to Tivo that bitch as soon as it comes on.

As the growing darkness of '90s nostalgia closes in around me, I'm pretty happy to see old '80s shows coming back with a vengeance. With Masters of the Universe, ThunderCats, and now Voltron, it's a great time to be a nostalgic nerd.

Although it'd be a MUCH better time to be a nostalgic nerd with money to burn...
"Form Blazing Sword!"

Thursday, 3 June 2010

ThunderCats, Herrooo!

Yesterday it was announced that my beloved ThunderCats would return to the airwaves in 2011!

The Cartoon Network with Japanese animation Studio4c (The Animatrix and Batman: Gothan Knights) will reintroduce us to Lion-O, Cheetara, Panthro, Tygra and the rest of those fearsome felines, only redesigned with a darker Anime look.

Although only a teaser poster was revealed, the studio described the story as...

"... a sweeping tale combining swords and science and boasting ferocious battles with the highest of stakes."

And added that it will include...

"... the the grand origin story of Prince Lion-O's ascension to the throne - and of those who would thwart his destiny at any cost."

The producers suggested that the characters will be redesigned to be more akin to the cat of their respective namesake... whatever the Hell that means. Those freaky backwards knees? Creepy groaning sounds when they're in heat? Being general assholes?

Only a few hours afterwards, it was also announced that Bandai America would be releasing the corresponding toys. 'Cuz, y'know, you can't have an '80s cartoon redone without it posing as an expensive, half hour toy commercial.

I gotta say I'm pretty stoked. A new show to obsess over and new toys to bankrupt me. Sure, it's following that "let's make it gritty and Japanesey and uncomfortably over-sexed for a kids show" formula everyone's jumping on but it's about time we got an update.

Now if only Snarf is killed violently and explosively in the first scene, I'll be sold...