Friday, 26 February 2010

My Little Stage Pony

The other day I was explaining the finer trappings of double penetration to a co-worker when I was e-mailed something even more disturbing.

I have no idea where this came from but I think I've watched it twenty times already and it's no less awesome. I called Ticketmaster, demanding to know where My Little Pony the Musical is playing but they just roll their eyes and tell me to stop calling. They don't understand me.

No one does.

Anyhoo, enjoy the musical stylings of Jennifer Hudson, singing "You're Gonna Love Me" and performed by a hopping blue pony. It just doesn't get much better than that.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Aussie Accent Not Included

Amidst all the Olympic nuttiness, last weekend the annual New York International Toy Fair opened its doors to show off all the big toy companies' wares for 2010. As a toy connoisseur, I wasn't terribly wowed but there was one must-have that took me by surprise.

Yeah, that's right, the Fett man...

Although Hasbro has done lines of Transformers and Star Wars voice changing helmets before, they always missed out on their biggest cash cow: Boba Fett.

With sounds from the films, classic pre-recorded lines ("He's no good to me dead") and a voice modulator that makes you sound like a hardened Aussie, this baby's got it all!

As far as I can tell, it doesn't come with a sawed-off blaster rifle, rocket pack, or Wookie pelts but I'm sure I could get all those off the black market. Or eBay.

Sadly this bad boy isn't in stores until August, 2010 but rest assured that once I get my hands on it, you can bet your ass I'll be calling up A&E for a team up show with Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Only I won't be using no pussy tasers.

"What if he doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me..."

Friday, 5 February 2010

Living Under the Olympic Reich

I know my overarching theme here is cartoon commentary peppered with sophisticated fart jokes but I'm currently living in an occupied city and figured this would be as good a soap box as any to articulate my experience.


What is this occupation you may ask? Why, Vancouver, BC the host city of the parasitic Olympics of course!

With just a week to go to the opening ceremonies, Vancouver has transformeed into a city under siege without anyone really noticing until it was too late.

With road closures, a military presence this town has never seen before, and government officials urging the population not to go outside, the Downtown core is repeating history, Nazi-style.

With TransLink strongly urging locals to stay off the roads to accommodate the athletes, coaches, media, and more important people travelling to and fro, Vancouverites have essentially become prisoners in their own homes. To add insult to injury, businesses have also felt the pressure to close their doors during the Games. Sure, our local economy has been crushed and we paid $9 billion instead of the originally estimated $6 million but why not take one more for the team?

Now that the streets are empty, the time is ripe for VANOC's private army to swoop in and seize control. With helicopters buzzing overhead 24/7, military vessels and divers circling Downtown, and over 1,000 security cameras acting as big brother, we have officially become a police state. Even mystery G.I. Joe-esque troopers like the JTF 2 have been deployed for our "safety."

I thought this was a sporting event, not Poland, circa 1939...

The greatest traitors to their own kind are, of course, the VANOC employees themselves. With their neon blue uniforms, they swagger over town, abusing their self-appointed power, breaking bylaws where they please, all while claiming they are on "official business."

I keep looking for a swastika arm badge to justify their actions but nope, just their enormous access passes that give them free license to go where they please.

I didn't want to be that person who craps on everything. I never really cared one way or another if the Olympics came to Vancouver. But with our economy in shambles, military-types giving you the stink eye every time you stop to tie your shoes, and the overall feeling of oppression from both the City and VANOC, it's difficult to put aside the politics of the Olympic Games.

"Do you believe?" CTV keeps asking us.

Yes, I believe we've given up our Charter of Rights for a skiing competition only the super elite can enjoy and no one else seems to even care about anymore.

"Heil Olympia!"

Thursday, 4 February 2010

All hail Magatron!

With tomorrow being my friend Maggie's birthday, I figured I'd do something a little different and dorky for her.

So, without further adieu, I present... Magatron!

Happy birthday, kiddo.