Thursday, 28 January 2010

Dolls ARE Gayer than Action Figures

I'm the first to correct someone when they call an action figure a "doll." And when I say correct, what I really mean is I'll reach down your throat and rip up your anus so you'll literally see the shit you're talking. That said, I've broken my cardinal rule and purchased a legit doll. But don't worry, it's one of the most infamous dolls and for completely kitsch reasons.

I had only heard of "Earring Magic Ken" in back alley whispers and rumors amongst the most hardcore of Barbie purists.

However, once I finally discovered him in the plastic flesh, I was instantly enamoured with how... "festive" he is... Cough.

His origins were innocent enough, appearing with three other "Earring Magic" Barbie dolls in 1993 but gained notoriety as being the gayest Ken doll ever! And given the man's penchant for short shorts and pink convertibles, that's no easy feat.

After polling young girls if they wanted Barbie to keep her beau around, the fans stuck up for the big wienie but wanted him to be cooler nevertheless. This trainwreck is what Mattel's marketing team came up with. Parent groups and other typical '90s finger-pointers saw how clearly homosexual this new Ken was so, despite how great he was selling, Mattel felt the pressure and pulled him from the shelves.

Since then, Earring Magic Ken has become a favorite gay collectible, fetching serious cash for such a rare, campy find. I managed to get a good deal on this bad boy but all the while, I kept thinking "I paid money for this?!"

Then the fateful day came when he arrived in the mail. I have to admit, even I was taken back when I first saw him. Once he was freed of his cardboard and plastic prison, he kinda came across as one of those gays, y'know? The ones who are all up in your face and snapping fingers and may or may not spit acid in your eyes from hidden glands behind their ears?

Yeah, those gays.

After taking in the whole experience, I had to do what I've always wanted to do to a Ken doll: rip his pants down to check out the goods. And that's when I found this! Flesh-colored undies with the flattest bulge I've ever seen.

It was sad, really... and where his alternative lifestyle companion, Barbie, is stacked to the high hills, poor Ken left nothing to the imagination. In that bad way. Not even in that "ha ha, that's hilaaarious" way but that 'wow, I'm so sorry that there's no God and you'll never, ever please anyone in bed" kinda way.

Once that bit of awkward unpleasantness was out of the way, however, I got back to business: cataloguing what makes this dude so ridiculously homoriffic.

Let's see, we got black loafers with no socks? Check.

Blond frosted tips? Oh yeah.

Prototypical '90s high-waisted pants? Up and proud.

Tight pink mesh shirt matched with lavender pleather vest and a giant, chrome cockring emblazened on his chest?!

Hell, I've seen Pride Parades with more subtlety than this...

And did I mention how big he is? I was that kid who was raised on Super Powers and Star Wars and all those 3.75" action figures. This dude towered over them at a foot tall!

Now that I've experienced all twelve inches of Ken, I... Wait, y'know what? I'm not going to finish that sentence. Pervert.

So the moral of the story? The proof's in the pudding here kids. Ken's been proudly out of the closet for almost twenty years and if Barbie's too damn dumb to realize her "boyfriend" is scoping out Midge's man, then she deserves to be a barren, career-flopping bimbo for the rest of her days.

Now which way to the afterhours? Me, Ken, some condoms, and an eightball are ready for a night on the town!

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Yes, these ARE the Droids You're Looking For

Adidas finally unveiled their much-hyped Spring/Summer Star Wars Collection for 2010 I didn't so much care and wasn't sure what to expect but hot damn they're wicked.

Each shoe is inspired by a character, vehicle, or scene from the Classic/Holy Trilogy. From an Imperial Walker to Yoda's hut to Princess Leia's golden bikini, they've covered all their bases from a galaxy far, far away.

Sure, there are some tacky duds in there (yes, tacky even in this category) but I'm still pretty hellbent on picking up some white kicks with a Stormtrooper face on the heel or TIE Fighter wings ripping up the side.

My one concern? These might do so hot in retail.

Not too many Star Wars fans are all that fitness-minded...

Friday, 8 January 2010

I thought they smelled bad on the outside

Anyone who knows me understands that I have a bit of a problem when it comes to awesome, overly expensive crap that I really, really need when I first see it, then toss in the closet after I grow bored of its dimming charms. See my failed Chia Pets, piles of G.I. Joe action figures, and papercraft ceiling cats for examples.

There's one thing, however, that's been on the market for a while and I still can't help but covet. What started out as a joke product over at ThinkGeek became the most sought-after Star Wars collectible of 2009. I speak of... the Tauntaun sleeping bag!

Inspired by the infamous scene in Empire Strikes Back where Han is forced to gut his fallen Tauntaun and stuff an injured Luke in it's belly to keep warm, this sleeping bag's got it all.

With a pillow head built into the bag, you simply disembowel the poor creature with the lightsaber zipper and kaplowza, you can keep warm with the intestine-printed innards and simulated fur that repels even the icy cold of Hoth!

So if you're like me and always wanted to try the ol' stay-alive-in-a-still-warm-corpse survival trick, put down your gun, save a deer, don't ruin your favorite jeans with stomach acid and slip into the clean, non-Prequel goodness that is a Tauntaun sleeping bag.

Better yet, get me one... five months to my birffday. Just sayin'.