Monday, 22 June 2009

Who's gayer?

It's that time again... another installment of Who's Gayer?

This time around is the same person but it's a case of the battle of alter egos.

It's prissy, pedantic, pink vest-loving Prince Adam versus the tanorexic, 'roid monkey in leather straps He-Man!

YOU decide!

Maybe redheads have more fun...

Anyone ever notice that the Smurfs' terrorizing tomboy Sassette has the same coloring as the X-Men's shapeshifting seductress Mystique?

Of course not, that's why you're here reading this.

Lil' Sassette, like her older counterpart Smurfette, was born of magic clay and quickly became the Smurf Village's resident hellraiser.

This is understandable of course since her sole role model was a vapid tramp amidst a sausage factory. Poor gal needed a change, needed to leave her humble beginnings, needed an outlet to channel her rage.

And hence a supervillain was born. Now all grown up, filled out, and harnessing her clay-inspired shapeshifting abilities, she goes by Mystique and is a killing machine!

But why would a simple small town gal go ballistic and become one of the X-Men's greatest villains? If you were a gal who just liked to have fun but was put down by your Communist-esque all-male society that was under constant attack by Gargamel, Hagatha, and threatened by that wooden damn bursting every time it rained, you'd be pretty screwed up in the head too. I'm not justifying bloodbaths but when you grow up to be that hot, I can turn the other cheek.

Thursday, 18 June 2009

Girly Toy Body Dysmorphia

Everything old is new again. By that logic, if He-Man, Ninja Turtles, and Transformers can experience new heights of popularity by updating their looks, then you can bet you sweet bippy that toy companies have followed suit with girl toys too. But to what end and to whose expense?

Young girls have always been fed negative body images courtesy of Barbie (I mean, purple eyeshadow? Hooker, please!) but this new trend of revamps and re-imaginings have made America's favorite teenager look like Sarah Plain-and-Tall.

The first culprit is none other than Strawberry Shortcake. Originally, she was a plump gal who hid her obesity with large, cupcake-shaped hats and frumpy dresses. But could you blame her? If you lived in a land of desserts and ate so much that you practically smelled of their corresponding flavor, you'd be one fat ass yourself.

However, when Strawberry Shortcake was redesigned, she kept the hat but shed the weight. Sure, let's aim for healthy lifestyles, I'm all for it. But again, when you consider the gal eats nothing but pies, you have to wonder if she might have a case of bulimia... Oh, and she's a cutter. No question.

Speaking of mad weight loss, the Care Bears were the next targets of Paris-Hilton-izing girl toys.

Back in the day, the Care Bears were jolly, colorful bears who just really, really cared. A lot. Unhealthy doses maybe but hey, they tried. And in the 80's, they were easily the only ones who did.

Anyhoo, being bears, they weren't ascribed to body stereotypes. They had the pot bellies out and proud, even going as far as to brandish their one-note character trait on 'em. Fat never looked so jolly.

Fast forward a few years and Hallmark decided it was time to re-brand the Care Bears. Only this time they were decidedly more Anime-esque and shed a lot of weight... just not in their heads.

I mean, look at 'em! Can you say coke fiends?!

They're so malnourished they look like lollipops with legs. And don't think I didn't notice the vacant looks in their eyes. That's a cry for help and a stint in rehab, Lindsay Lohan style.

Last up is My Little Pony. My recent love of My Little Pony is no secret. Between our shiny, shiny hair and magnetized hooves, we have so much in common!

Here's an example of classic Pony-ness. This mare's got BACK, baby! Some sweet meat on her bones. You could tap that ass and the cotton candy tattoo that sits on it. Not only could she roll in rose petals and frolic in the meadow all day, she could easily carry her own weight in grain.

So what the hell happened to this broad?! Girl looks like she can barely lift her head up. Thinning hair, angry star tattoos to upset daddy, all the signs are there. Eat an apple and stop shooting crack into your eye, love.

And there you have it. Even toy companies are conspiring to create legions of anorexic skanks for a new generation with careful manipulation and normalizing unhealthy attitudes.

Oh, and lots and lots of glitter! Tee-hee!