Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Lil' Johnny's First Money Shot

Since Super Soaker's debut in 1991, kids (and oversized kids like yours truly) have revelled in water guns that could maximize double-barrelled soakage with two liter water tanks strapped to their backs. The line has continued all these years but there's one product that was released in 2006 that should never have made it past the drawing board.

The Hasbro website promotes the "Oozinator" with "Sneak up on your opponents with a surprise bio-ooze attack! Just when they think you’re coming at ‘em with water, blast ‘em with a shot of icky bio-ooze! Shoot out globs of gooey bio-ooze and then drench ‘em with water! It’s a double blast attack that’ll keep your opponents on their toes and running during every water fight. With the OOZINATOR blaster you don’t just get soaked, you get drenched!"

Yes. That DOES sound fun. Quite. Indeed. And the reptilian design invokes images all sorts of creepy alien horror films. Kids dig that.

But did Hasbro mention that, after pumping the gun repeatedly, a stream of white cream shoots out?!

Don't believe me? Check out the commercial for the Oozinator here.

Most of the kids seem to balk at being hit with white goo as it sprays all over their faces and chests. Well, except for that Black kid in the yellow shirt who seems to be mashing it all over... His parents should get him to Jesus Camp ASAP!

As disturbing as it seems, it's also good experience for the girls and boys who play with Barbies around the neighborhood. They'll need the practice on how to take a white shot in the face soon enough...

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Unemployed Skeletor is back, bitches! And he'll have a new talkshow on his MySpace page starting May 31st with supercoug co-host Evil-Lynn.
In the meantime, follow this link to see why he's a better dancer than me.

Monday, 5 May 2008

Your Time Came too Soon, Charlie Brown

Y'know, I'm surprised it took me this long to piece together the clues. It was hidden behind strong Christian overtones and quaint slice-of-life comic strips but the revelation hit me like a ambulance.
Charlie Brown was a chemo patient.

Oh yes, the bald head, the waxing philosophical before the end, that shirt that looked like a jazzed up hospital garment, all the tragic signs are there.

Even his snarky dog Snoopy could smell death on his ill-fated owner. The atmosphere around the Brown household was unbearable for the poor pooch so he escaped in fantasies about flying suicide missions atop his doghouse or just ignoring Charlie Brown entirely to mask his inner pain.

Even Charlie's dear friends didn't know how to handle the news. Lucy played psychiatrist some times, acted like a complete selfish cow at other times.

Linus, on the other hand, was perpetually depressed and musing on the deeper meaning of life. Of all of Charlie Brown's friends, he seemed more at peace with the inevitable but both were grieving in their own ways.

And don't you tell me that the pert and popular media darling "Little Red-headed Girl" was into Chuck. He was awkward, shedding skin and hair, sunken beady eyes... she felt bad for him. Or maybe she signed up for the Make a Wish Foundation?

What his specific cancer was, however, is a mystery. I'm going to throw out wild guesses and say lung cancer. All the adults sounded garbled when they spoke so they must've had a cigarette in their mouth. Second hand'll kill ya.

When all's said and done, Charlie Brown has battled his cancer for well over fifty years.
Good grief Chuck! You must be in remission soon!