Thursday, 6 March 2008

Smurf Reproduction and YOU!

One hundred Smurfs and where did they all come from exactly? One gigantic vagina, I can promise you that.

But there were two well-known Smurfs who were literally congealed in a swamp. Who you may ask?

The female Smurfs of course! A blatant stab at feminism? Flimsy plot device to infuse the cast with new blood? A commentary on Smurf reproduction? Let's look a little further.

A little known fact about the Smurfs' first feisty female is that she didn't start off as a ditzy, clothes whore blond, but a bitchy brunette!

As part of a plan to eat the Smurfs or turn them into gold or whatever the hell his actual intentions were, Gargamel created a female Smurf out of magic clay. The idea was that she would cause jealousy and competition, leading to the fall of the Smurf village. Problem being, she was just a big ugly cunt and Papa Smurf was on to her game. So with the help of Jessica Simpson weaves and behavior-altering magic, the Smurfette we all know and lust over was born!

The truly ironic thing was that this new Smurfette caused more jealousy and macho smack downs among the Smurfs than her evil alter ego. It's true, blonds do have more fun...

Bored with the sausage factory she lived in, Smurfette eventually decided to create a counterpart so she had someone to blather on and on about which exact same fucking white dress she should wear to the Apple Blossom Festival.

Forged from the same magic clay she was, Smurfette created a younger version of herself. Unfortunately for her, this new, edgy chick in town was a tomboy. A mischievous tomboy with a firecrotch. Ewwww...

Unable to just suffocate her with a pillow, Smurfette asked Papa Smurf to wave his magic wand and make her a nice gal. It sorta worked but newly-dubbed Sassette was still a bit of a hellraiser.

Things were going well with a well-established reason for asexual Smurfs to co-habitate with those of the fairer sex. I mean, come ON! Smurfette's role in the community was to water flowers, not it's tempting metaphor of satiating libidos. No way! This is a kids' show!

All that reasoning went down the crapper, however, with the introduction of Nanny Smurf. The old, matriarchal hag who was obviously Grampie Smurf's wife threw the sex card back on the table.

Did this one woman push a hundred Smurfs out of her cooter?! No wonder she looked so beaten down. If that was not the case, however, where did she come from? How much magic clay can there be?!

Clearly, the debate still rages. There are no clear answers on if/when/how Smurfs procreate. But it's sure darn cute to imagine those lil' blue elves bumping boots.

For shits and giggles, here's how things would work in the real world, without the pretense of virginal female Smurfs and maddenlingly obscure sexual references.

"Papa, my Smurf itches..."