In a past post, I had done a quick run-through of ambiguously gay 80's cartoon characters. We had our Vanity Smurfs and Prince Adams but few other cartoons had the sheer volume of fagulosity as G.I. Joe. Surely, it was only a matter of time when colorful elite soldiers who wore football jerseys and metal masks would be misconstrued as playing for the pink team.
You may disagree but let's run through just a few and you can make your own conclusions...
Gung-Ho has a New Orleans accent, open vest, shaved head, handlebar moustache, and huge tattoo on his hairy chesticles.
Seriously now, this is just too easy! This daddy belongs in a leather bar scoping twinks and discovering interesting new ways to mangle his nipples.
The Joes' resident arctic trooper didn't really seem all that homoriffic. With that Australian accent, he was probably pretty butch in comparison to most.
But with a name like "Snowjob," you're just advertising for trouble. I wonder if there was anyone on the team called Sandjob?
Shipwreck falls into the same stereotype umbrella as Gung-Ho only he looks like he belongs doing Village People tributes or propositioning sailors down by the docks.
You also know that he's had the clap seven times. And chlamydia.
And don't think the ladies are off the hook. I've never encountered anyone, fictional or in life, who screamed "bull dyke desperately trying to be a lipstick lesbian" like Lady Jaye.
Poor gal tried to show off the tata's but the frumpy, over sized fatigues, Doc Martin boots, and butchy haircut didn't help her one bit.
Even the ranks of Cobra invited the homos in with open arms. Dr. Mindbender started off as an orthodontist-turned-mind alterer.
No, for serious, I couldn't make this up.
And, like all insane dentists, he decided the best way to throw off your opponents was to rip off your shirt, wear a violet cape, and always brandish a monocle.
I know drag queens who WISH they looked like this.
See? I'm not pointing fingers here. The writing's on the wall, even if people are a bit hesitant to admit it. And given the army's perception of gays in the military, it's little wonder. At least we have G.I.Joe to overcompensate.