Monday, 28 January 2008

Hot Wookie Love

After two years of featuring a half purple giraffe on my ol' Lite-Brite, it was starting to look a little ratty. It was finally time for a change.
Luckily, the selection of Lite-Brite refills still abounds decades later. After pondering My Little Pony or Sesame Street sheets, I naturally came home with Star Wars.
Further complicating my decision-making was the dozens of patterns. The Millenium Falcon (that could make the Kessell run in less than twelve parsecs)? Obi-Wan and Vader's final showdown? R2?
At last, I settled on faithful Chewbacca. Partially because I'm a master of making Wookie noises but also because I thought it'd be funny to have the big walking carpet with pink and red legs.
All in all, I'm content with Chewie. What choice do I have? "It's not wise to upset a Wookie..."

Saturday, 26 January 2008

If Lando Can Drink Yankee Piss, So Can I

With the exception of Harrison Ford, Star Wars wasn't known for creating stars. Coke fiends and guest stars on crappy shows? Sure! But not bonafide "stars."

Billy Dee Williams managed some guest spots on Lost, That 70's Show, and even played Harvey (pre-Two Face) Dent in Tim Burton's Batman. But, aside from the blouse-wearing turncoat Lando Calrissian, we should REALLY remember Billy Dee's legacy from his infamous Colt 45 ad.

Oh yes, that cheap, aged-on-the-truck malt liquor was hawked by Lando himself back in 1992. The commercial looked like a rejected MC Hammer video with some chick in a gold dress stepping on sunglasses with hooker boots. Then I dunno what the hell was happening. Lando was getting smashed and the lamest orgy ever broke out. Or something like that. I'm drunk right now, don't ask me to make sense of this.

Billy Dee, being such an upstanding citizen and Star Wars icon, was criticized for doing a liquor ad but his response was "I drink, you drink. Hell, if marijuana was legal, I'd appear in a commercial for it."

This playboy from Cloud City was leagues ahead of his time!

If you too would like to share in this, Billy Dee's finest film work, you can find it here.

"Yeah, I can dig that..."

Thursday, 24 January 2008

Mr. Potoato Head Finally Comes with a Whip!

To celebrate (or whore out, depending on who you ask) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Hasbro is releasing Mr. Potato Head: Taters of the Lost Ark to coincide with the film's opening in May.
This follows other film-inspired spuds like Star Wars' Darth Tater or Transformers' Optimash Prime. Get it? They're all named after potatoes and... yeah... heh... cough.
Anyhoo, this not-over-the-hill-yet spud comes with Indie's trademark fedora, golden potato idol, jacket and whip (YES!)
All that's missing is a blonde Mrs. Potato Head with a tiny diaphragm who sleeps with the director to land a role.

Monday, 7 January 2008

Forgotten Soft Drinks You Wish You Forgot!

Oops... I forgot to do a Christmas blog this year. So what? Christmas cartoons suck now and we all have to be non-denominational and call them "holidays." I'm anti-establishment today. That's my excuse. Now I'll sleep better at night.

Oh, and happy New Year. Unless you're Pagan, then you'll have to wait until Hallowe'en.

ANYhoo, this is a post I've wanted to do for a long time as my youth had less to do with the Red Menace and Desert Storm and more about the Cola Wars. Here are a few of my favorite (and best forgotten) soft drinks from yesteryear:

Crystal Pepsi (or Pepsi Clear to some purists) wasn't just an advertising campaign, it was equivalent to the second coming of Christ. Who else had the balls to run a one minute commercial during the SuperBowl where Van Halen cites it as a cultural revolution.

Back then, we were all a bit less cynical and media savvy so you HAD to try it at least once. Truth be told, it was interesting to see a cola look like club soda. Unfortunately, club soda would have tasted better. I, however, was a sucker to the media blitz and drank it like the antidote was in there. I was also crushed shortly thereafter when it was pulled from the market. Something about making your penis shrink? Or was that Mountain Dew...?

Speaking of Pepsi hype, here are the "Cool Cans." Oh yeah, squiggly neon lines were ALL the rage in 1990. Same Pepsi, same taste, but TOTALLY RAD and in-your-face graphics! Three of them had fun, funky summer people at the beach but this one sparked controversy when it was discovered it could spell out "sex" when stacked.

I know. "Ooooooh, sex! Scandalous!" Keep in mind this is a time when Salt N' Peppa were racy.

Being raised by parents who were practically Victorian in their views, I was forbidden to ever buy these cans so I missed out on the hoopla. You can still find 'em on eBay though... hmmm...

Now onto Pepsi's nemesis, the Professor Moriarty to their Sherlock Holmes, the Joker to their Batman, the Lindsay to their Hilary. In 1985, New Coke was heralded as the newly discovered secret to life, the universe, and everything.

Turns out it just tasted really shitty.

Fearing competition from that "other" brand, Coca-Cola decided to revamp their classic flavour, add another kilo of sugar, and replace it outright. Who knew public outcry would reach near-violent mob levels. People were furious about this bastardized Coke and demanded their original back on store shelves.

Coca-Cola finally caved and brought back their forgotten child while re-marketing it's unsavoury cousin as "Coke II" in 1990 for those twelve people who actually LIKED New Coke. Coke II was later discontinued and those twelve souls were shot dead in the street to preserve humanity's gene pool.

Now onto my all-time favorite, despite not really being a cola or even a pop as far as I can tell. Orbitz stormed the market in 1996, posing as a fruit drink with chewy candy balls from beyond the moooooon!

They even mashed screwy flavors like pineapple banana and cherry coconut to further screw with your head.

In retrospect, they were pretty disgusting. The balls weren't big enough to actually chew so you just had to swallow them whole. Imagine chugging really thin Kool-Aid with hundreds of phlegm bits thrown into the mix and you'll get the picture.

All the same, I was obsessed. It was so radically different from anything else and also made my brother wretch whenever I drank it. So it was win-win all around.
And there you have it. I could go on and on about all the fruity and weirdly-colored cola concoctions pumped out over the past thirty years but I digress. It would only bastardize these "greats."