Friday, 28 October 2016

Kelvin Timeline: The Next Generation

It appears I'm on a Star Trek: The Next Generation kick here and I don't particularly care. It's awesome. Live it. Love. it.

After another successful foray into J.J. Abrams' Star Trek film reboot movies this past summer, I'm not so much looking forward to another adventure with the Original Series' cast but rather a similar reboot to my favourite Trek, The Next Generation. 2017 will mark the 30th anniversary of its debut which makes it ripe for a redo! The "Kelvin Timeline" of these past three films allowed Kirk, Spock, Bones, Uhura, etc. smexy makeovers that realized their potential in a short amount of time and revitalized the public's love for Star Trek. It's time TNG got a modern update too!

I won't sit here and pretend I love reboots. They're largely awful. But any opportunity to see the crew of the Enterprise-D reimagined would give great Oo-max. That was a Ferengi sex joke. Try and keep up here.

A few housecleaning items. Given the J.J.-verse's treatment of the classic crew's movie adventures, I will concede that my beloved characters would be a bit more cartoon-y than the original lauded series. I'll also be keeping in mind how the characters were presented in season one as they were fresh from Gene Roddenberry's show treatment versus how they evolved over time. Lastly, I don't want to propose dream casts as this is being written in late 2016 and who knows what amazing new talent could pop up between now and an inevitable reboot. We clear? Great. Engage!

First up is, of course, the Enterprise-D herself. Looking at its design now, it's rather clunky but still much more streamlined than it's predecessors. Given how the recent Kelvin timeline's Enterprise was modernized, I'd love to see the Enterprise-D equally streamlined. Luckily, the underappreciated series, Enterprise, gave us a pretty great template with their future-ier glimpse at the Enterprise-J. Not my favourite design but it certainly felt like a natural evolution of Starfleet's most infamous vessel and holds up well by today's standards.

Next up is Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Stoic, enlightened, classy AF! Patrick Stewart's Picard set the tone for the show and ensured it held up as a thoughtful science fiction masterpiece. I would imagine him to be the least changed character from a personality/presence/sex symbol perspective. However, for the purposes of a two hour movie, I'd also imagine him to be more of the man-of-few-words Spaghetti Western style captain. Like a bald Clint Eastwood staring gravely into that viewscreen.

And for God's sake, make the actor actually French this time!

Picard's Number One/Man Friday is Commander William T. Riker who, over the course of the series, grew under his Captain's wing to be a respected and thoughtful leader. Yawn. Originally, however, he was much more ambitious and brash. A real stallion. Then came the beard and the grave responsibilities it bestowed upon him.

For a movie, I would rather enjoy seeing him as he was originally portrayed which, coincidentally, was how Commander Shelby from the seminal The Best of Both Worlds episodes came across. Her bossiness, take-charge attitude and boundless ambition was a stark mirror on how comfortable Riker became serving on the Enterprise. Sparring his reckless energy off of the calm Picard would make for great chemistry and drama.

Counselor Deanna Troi got no respect but was actually one of my favourite characters because of her untapped potential. Initially conceived by Roddenbury to be the smartest and wisest member of the crew, that role was scooped by the barkeep, Guinan, and relegated to stating the obvious and "lookit-mah-boobs!" costumes.

For a movie franchise's purposes, I again defer to her earlier appearances in the series. Marina Sirtis' Greek heritage and layered accents helped her stand apart. I'd love to see her as more exotic alien than human. Likewise, her insistence that, as a mental heathcare provider, she not wear a military uniform also ensured she visually popped against a sea of walking Crayons.

But most importantly, she had telepathic powers, was raised in a wildly liberal culture, and was in a position to speak frankly about mental illness. She could be spectacular as a voice of reason; the Big Momma in the room who tells you to sit down, son.

Brent Spiner's Lt. Commander Data is perfection. A comedy relief. An endearing commentary on the human condition. An aspiration to be more than the sum of your (android) parts. I would change nothing.


Spiner essentially killed the franchise when he admitted that while Data may be ageless, he himself is not and had to gracefully bow out. Since we're not on a TV budget here, I'd rather not see a dude in glittery body paint walking around on screen. Rather than go the CGI route I would love to see one of those hyper-realistic robots coming out of Japan play Data. Y'know how they look SO real but... there's just something not right about 'em? That. I want that. Essentially human but your eyes and brain just can't register them as such.

Dr. Beverly Crusher absolutely had her own interests and character growth but was generally regarded based on her relation to other characters.

And, sadly, I'm going to do the same here.

A widow, a mother of young Wesley, and reluctant to serve aboard the ship commanded by the man who was both an old friend but also ordered her husband's death, she came in with a lot of intriguing baggage and history that was jettisoned quite casually. Her sexual chemistry with Picard was also renowned to the point where it was fan theorized that Wesley may indeed be a Picard/Crusher lovechild. Oooooh, the drama! Throw in her Bechdal-approved friendship with Troi and she's ready to really mix up the character dynamics!

Who doesn't love Lt. Commander Geordi LaForge? A blind engineer who could see everything differently thanks to a VISOR that helped his brain "see" electromagnetic signals across the entire EM spectrum.

And I lost ya.

Point is, he was "disabled" in the future which practically gave him super powers that weren't utilized enough. Throw in the fact that, especially earlier on, he was the funny, wide-eyed everyman we the audience saw ourselves in. So many eyesight puns. Too soon? Anyway, he's the Flash to TNG's Justice League. The glue that binds them together.

Lt. Worf is arguably the most complex character of the series. Admittedly, I was never Team Worf but I can't deny the vast storytelling potential he lived up to. An orphan of a disgraced Klingon house, raised by an adorable Russian couple on Earth, he yearned for the romantic warrior lifestyle his own people could not provide as they languised in political intrigue instead of glorious battle.

In the first movie alone, his uneasy ties to the Klingon Empire and loyalty to the Federation could propel the story featuring him caught in the middle of a coming war. Not to mention a certain promotion he inherits...

Yeah, I had to throw Lt. Tasha Yar in as a bonus. The Enterprise's Chief of Security hailed from a hyper violent planet where she grew up avoiding rape gangs and fending for herself. She had the most dark origin of anyone in Star Trek but the actress, Denise Crosby, decided to quit in season one. As such, Tasha was killed off, letting Worf inherit the security chief mantle.

And y'know what? She's dead meat in the movies too. I give her half an hour. Tops.

If a TNG movie succeeds, who knows? Perhaps we could see more Romulans, more Ferengi, the Q Continuum watching intently, and inevitably MORE BORG!

So them's my thoughts on what character beats might work for an ensemble movie and what potentially fits within the J.J.-verse films' next incarnation. Trek fans tend to argue that the new films are more flash than substance but hell, let 'em! They're entertaining! They bring in the crowds and the money! And if they also bring new fans into the fold to discover the much more understated and brain-do-thinky-stuff television series, then so be it!

"So... five card stud, nothing wild. And the sky's the limit!"

Saturday, 28 May 2016

Worf: Hapless Victim or Black Widow?

Mr. Worf from Star Trek: The Next Generation has long been a fan favourite. The first Klingon in Starfleet, serving on the Federation Flagship, Enterprise-D, who went on to become the Tactical Officer (whatever that is) on Deep Space Nine, and then back to the Enterprise-E for the movies because reasons.

He remains one of the more complex characters of the franchise, an honour-bound man who would rather throw himself on the pyre than risk the Klingon Empire or the Federation, a man of reserve but passion, father of a unknown son, a lover of prune juice. But he was also a man of many loves, most of whom fell under some rather gruesome ends. Was Worf an innocent bystander... or a black widow in disguise?

The first example is not a romantic interest but a vested interest all the same. In season one, the Chief of Security aboard the Enterprise was Lt. Tasha Yar, a tough cookie raised on a hellish planet full of rape gangs (for real, it was messed up).

Worf was introduced as a random button pusher. I honestly don't know what his job was and I don't even care to look it up because season one suuuuuucked! In the episode "Second Skin," however, Tasha met a sudden and senseless death at the hands of some creature made of cough medicine and blank printer's ink. Actually.

Now granted, Worf wasn't on the scene but as luck would have it he got an instant and bafflingly unprecedented promotion to Security Chief, having shown no predisposition to security detail before. Suspicious...

Season two introduced K'Ehleyr, an unconventional ambassador who was the first Klingon woman Worf had ever really encountered. They had a steamy romance but neither was willing to sacrifice their careers to pursue a further relationship so they parted ways.

She later returned with a little surprise, their love child Alexander who was an insufferable weiner comparable only to Wesley "Shut Up Wesley!" Crusher. During some complicated and clandestine Klingon plots I won't get into, she was murdered, leaving Worf with a dead girlfriend and unwanted son he shipped off to his human grandparents in goddamn Russia! Cold, Worf.

This was explained away that he was a grieving widow and a there was no place for a child on the ship, despite the absolute zoo of kids roaming the hallways. Innocent enough but could Worf perhaps be a bit miffed his lady friend tossed him aside, birthed an unwanted child, and dragged him into boring Klingon politics? So miffed, in fact, he resorted to murder most fowl?

Worf remained a swingin' bachelor moving forward but in the final season of The Next Generation, he began dating his own therapist, Counselor Deanna Troi. Their romance was not met well by fans as it was both creepy and disappointing to proponents of Troi's longstanding relationship with First Officer, Commander Will Riker.

Troi managed to survive this courtship, unlike poor K'Ehleyr, but in the series' final episode "All Good Things" a possible future is presented where she had died prior to marrying Worf. This future never came to pass but the question remains, how did she die exactly? Natural causes or perhaps a jealous and notoriously violent lover?

After the series wrapped, Worf went on to join the crew of Deep Space Nine to help them in their new war with the Klingons. Also as a rating grab.

The typically stodgy Worf quickly began a long and very entertaining courtship of wild child/old soul Lt. Jadzia Dax. She was a Trill, a joined species where Jadzia was a young scientist while a centuries-old slug named Dax shared its memories and living space in her stomach. It's weird but awesome.

Unlike prior relationships, Worf managed to wed Jadzia but, wouldn't you know it, she died at the end of season six! They managed to save the space slug at least and it was transferred to newly-dubbed Counselor Ezri Dax (again with the psychologists). Skipping the grieving widow stage, Worf kinda tried to mack on her too but, new to this joined species/sudden rush of past lives' memories bit, Ezri was having none of it.

After Deep Space Nine wrapped (and possibly missing the opportunity to murder Ezri), Worf returned to the Enterprise... likely to finish the deal with Troi! Luckily, she came to her senses and ended up marrying Riker/blueballing Worf.

Now it could easily be argued that Worf wasn't present in any of these deaths but having watched a handful of To Catch a Killer episodes, I'm pretty much an expert on setting up a hit. You don't do it yourself; you arrange for others to carry out the dirty work for you. Worf's many loves/career blockers generally died as plot advancements but the body count is just too much for any one man over the course of ten years.

They could have been plot advancements... or perhaps the master plot of a deranged and murder-fueled Klingon. You decide!

Thursday, 26 May 2016

Summer Movies 2016: Bromance Edition

Yet again sequels, reboots, and comic book movies are all the rage this summer but either by coincidence or design, two very distinct themes have emerged.

The first is the much talked about Feminist Movies. When I say "Feminist," however, I don't speak necessarily about equal rights and treatments among men and women (both in front of and behind the camera) but rather this faux Spice Girls-esque "Girl Power" Feminism that's pervaded the movie landscape.

I won't debate what constitutes true Feminism but this year's two main culprits, Alice Through the Looking Glass and Ghostbusters are textbook examples on what not to do. They have amazing casts, huge budgets, and have completely alienated movie-goers with lacklustre trailers, poor publicity, and this overly-aggressive "Feminist" tone.

My perception regarding Feminism is about creating pragmatic equality with the hope that someday this discussion will not even be necessary. Ghostbusters, however, commits essentially the exact same crime as their predecessors: including only one gender (one of whom is their token Black). It's blatant and didn't do them any favours.

Another culprit is the long overdue sequel to 2010's Alice in Wonderland where Alice is now a sea captain which, while obviously not impossible for her gender, is impossible given her time period. After stumbling through heavy, beat-you-over-the-head Feminism, she and her mom open a company because women can't do these things alone in Hollywoodland.

Despite (and in spite of) this heavy-handed handling of modern "Feminism," many fans have turned nasty towards the movies while other fans have taken to attack those fans, calling them misogynists for not eating up shitty product. In the end, nobody wins.

On the absolute (and unexpected) flipside, we see the evolution of the bromance blossom into a return to Manlove. See, before last century, men loooved each other. Not in a Brokeback Mountain or ancient Roman baths sense, but best friends were very affectionate and it wasn't considered faggy.

With the advent of Metrosexuals and bromances and whatever other terms the kids are coining now, the love of men amidst other men is becoming less of a gay thing and more of a natural progression among good male friends. This is especially prevalent in Captain America: Civil War where, despite fans wanting to ship Cap and Bucky, it was really just their pure friendly love for one another that bonded them. The same rings true in X-Men: Apocalypse where only Charles could bring Erik back from his killing spree. The most famous Manlove couple out there threw down and forged and early bond in Batman v. Superman and don't you dare tell me that Finn and Poe Dameron in Star Wars: The Force Awakens aren't adorable.

The moral of this story? I don't really have one. Hollywood's having a bit of a gender crisis, trying to sell us strong, independent women that are predisposed to fail while men (once again) get the real benefit this summer to extremely surprising results! It's as through writers and directors have subconsciously tapped into the gender crisis quietly facing our times and are trying to make sense of it behind CGI spectacles. It's all deeply confusing but vaguely exciting to see how this unfolds, especially with 2017's Wonder Woman and Black Panther to really shake things up!

Sunday, 15 May 2016

Remember, Ladies...

... if Batman is known for anything, it's turning you gay.

Saturday, 14 May 2016

You Meddling Kids!

In the classic 1997 The Simpsons episode, "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show," the maligned character of Poochie is added to The Itchy & Scratchy Show by the network to boost ratings. At the same time, a red ballcapped/sunglasses "cool" character, Roy, was quietly added to the Simpsons family.

Both characters only lasted the one episode but they were a riff on similar tropes of adding a prototypical 90s teenager to a show with the rationale that it will boost ratings from kids. This largely happened in prime time sitcoms but also bled into Saturday morning cartoons as well.

The annoying creature sidekick (Orko, Snarf) or child practically begging to be murdered (Scott Tracker) character archetypes were old hat by the time the 90s rolled around but adding new characters mid-series in a vain effort to attract younger audiences really started to flourish at this time.

Arguably the most infamous and generally hated was Scrappy-Doo. The nephew of Scooby-Doo, Scrappy-Doo debuted in 1979 with such catch-phrases as "Lemme at 'em!" and "Puppy Power!"

Clearly an addition to appease ABC (also known as Always Be Cancellin'), Scrappy-Doo was that hyperactive kid character who was meant to up the cute factor ante and save the beloved show from the very thing that lead to its success: fun mysteries as seen through the eyes of meddling, stoner teenagers.

He has since become an integral part of the franchise but, like Ewoks, is generally regarded as a egregious mistake and even went on to become the (spoilers) antagonist of the first live-action movie.

Admittedly, this is a bit of a reboot cheat. See, after the first two seasons of The Transformers, the 1986 The Transformers Movie came along, pushed the timeline up to the futuristic 2005 (?!), and gleefully killed the original lineup of characters to be replaced by a new cast.

Since this was the future, not totally horrible teenager Spike Witwicky grew up and had a son named Daniel. Spike, facing a nonstop barrage of potential death for years alongside the Autobots, had no mixed feelings about sending his young son to tag along with these building-sized killbots. And the tradition lived on!

Being a child surrounded by robots who had no fleshy organs to be smashed to a pulp, Daniel himself must have felt invincible as he launched himself into danger as though he had a death wish. To make matters worse, another Autobot, Wheelie, was introduced to be a child-like Transformer who spoke in a high pitched voice and rhymed all of his dialogue while shooting an energy slingshot. Combined, they proved to be among the most annoying and befuddling additions to a cast we already had difficulty accepting after old favourites were so callously dispatched before our eyes.

The Care Bears were no strangers to adding characters throughout its impressive cartoon run. The Care Bear Cousins, for example, scrapped the bear theme and just threw in any animal that was deemed cute and could have a heart tattooed to its stomach.

Early on, however, two cubs were added to the show: Hugs and Tugs.

Side note: don't ask me which one is which. I don't know and don't even care. What I do care about is how their names sound like an amazing furry bar or gay bathhouse!

These motherless abominations seemingly came out of thin air and boasted an impressive vocabulary for two bears that regularly shit and piss themselves in a society where no one even needs to wear pants. True to form, they became an integral part of the episodes going forward. By that I mean they were there to be absolute idiots, get in danger and/or captured, and inevitably in need of rescuing. Usually they'd learn a valuable lesson about caring or some garbage but they were mostly present for exposition or plot advancement, something even we as children saw right through.

Although The Flintstones were a product of the 1960s, they nevertheless felt the need to be relevant and hip and cool and pop and fresh.

The A Flintstone Family Christmas television special aired in 1993 and followed a loose continuity where Pebbles and Bam-Bam had grown up and got married, leaving the show without a child character aside from their own annoying babies. With all these adults talking and being adult-y, how were we supposed to identify with the show?!

The special's producers, in perpetual need of getting Middle America off their tractors and in front of television boxes, naturally knew what to do. After getting into more hilarious hijinx, Fred and Barney get thrown in the slammer where they meet Stoney, a totally street-wise orphan type with an anti-establishment backward red ballcap and no-nonsense attitude, dude.

The intention was obviously an appeal to kids who could identify with a character that someone, somewhere thought was relevant and cool. Being not as stupid as producers had hoped and assumed, we did not. Stoney was never seen again, hopefully overdosing on marijuana in a gutter where he belonged.

The Real Ghostbusters is seen by fans as having two distinct eras. The first syndicated run being amazing and then everything after that once studio executives hired a bullshit consulting firm to "fix" what wasn't even broken.

Amidst the vast, sweeping, and mind-bogglingly strange changes to the show, a cast of kids, calling themselves the Junior Ghostbusters, were added in the 1987 episode "The Bogeyman Is Back." Although children regularly appeared in the series, they were generally intrinsic to the plot and only stuck around the one time. The Junior Ghostbusters (Donald, Catherine, and Jason), however, were peppered here and there and, once again, were there to remind us dumb kids that we too can make a difference and help out too!

Only they were so goddamn annoying, cutesy, and transparent cash grabs that we hated them. Thankfully, they only lasted a few episodes but the show's death knell had been rung.

A similar character was also introduced in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles named Zack, the "Fifth Ninja Turtle."

Zack (such a 90s name) was a white, blond, 14-year-old kid who was totally the Turtles' biggest fan! At the very least, he was sort of wide-eyed and naive instead of trying to one-up the Turtles with terrible surfer lingo.

Nevertheless, he was a desperate appeasement to viewers to say "Look, LOOK, he's just like youuuuu!" that came across a little strong, y'know? Swipe left on this turd.

He was later followed up by Carter who was more racially diverse, a little older, and had a greater purpose to the plot. Coming to New York to train under Master Splinter, Carter was accidentally exposed to mutagen that made him sometimes a mutant and sometimes a human and it was very much a Jekyll/Hyde thing going on for him.

That said, he appeared in the later seasons of the original cartoon run so nobody ever saw it or even talks about it.

All in all, these characters were transparent marketing ploys. And even in the days before the cynicism-mongering internet, we knew the score. Children were (and especially now are not) as dumb as adults think and the addition of these trite, tacked-on farces of actual kids were forced and, worse, painful to watch.

The very things executives wanted to lure us in to their shows, were the very things that led us elsewhere.

Friday, 18 April 2014

Everything I Know About Japan I Learned From Sailor Moon

During my blissful month and a half period of unemployment, I really got into naps and Sailor Moon. A glorious time it t'was. Back when it aired in the US in the Nineties, I thought it was incredibly stupid and was baffled when my friends, men and women alike, were going nuts for it. It took me over fifteen stubborn years but I'll finally admit I was wrong.

I'm not a huge Anime fan so I was puzzled by Sailor Moon's depiction of Japan. Admittedly, I've never been so perhaps my presumptions were hasty at best, racist at worst. Until I go and put my assumptions to rest, here's what I've gleamed about Japan based on the teachings of Sailor Moon.

The Japanese women I know tend to hover around five feet on average. Not so in Japan, however, gentle reader. The women (teenaged girls at that) are towering six feet of Amazon might! Sailor Jupiter is likely seven feet tall!

Not only that but 75-80% of their bodies are legs. It's like there are giraffes in high heels roaming the streets. Amazing!

Further to this phenomenon of challenging stereotypes, I had assumed that most to all Japanese folks had black hair. Again, colour me surprised to see so much... well, colour! Everyone is like a blonde hair/blue eyed California girl!

Inexplicably, some people even have blue, pink, or purple hair.  I thought only Gingers had mutant hair colours but, again, it's a veritable rainbow over there in Japan!

From a social and romantic standpoint, dating an underaged girl is totally cool there. Despite their rocky start, Usagi and Mamoru started dating while she was 14 and in junior high while he was in his early twenties and in college.

If you're a jailbait lover, Japan is your paradise! There are no terms like "consent" or "underage" there, it's just called Saturday night. Anything goes there.  Don't believe me?

In Sailor Moon Super S, Usagi and Mamoru's daughter from the future, Chibiusa, befriended a unicorn named Pegasus. Still following me here? Glossing over the fact that Chibiusa was a toddler with great legs and an astonishing rack, she and Pegasus got pretty close over the course of the series.

Like making out with a horse close!

I used to think we here in North America were stuffy but hell, we're all downright Puritan by comparison.

Throwing gas on the fire of sexual liberties in Japan, another thing I noted was how Japanese lesbians, specifically power dykes, could be so easily mistaken for men. That is until you throw them in a tiara and mini skirt. Then it's obvious (see legs comments above).

When Sailor Uranus first arrived, all the other Sailor Scouts had a crush on him... er, her. Even after they learned that Haruka was a girl, they still lusted after her, especially Sailor Jupiter who was always suspected to be in the closet anyway. While most of the gay men in the series were villains (and annoying at that) the lesbian laissez faire attitude is a breath of fresh air compared to North America's identity crisis.

As you probably guessed, I watched the original dubbed Japanese version of the show instead of the watered-down American travesty.

Despite all of the characters speaking Japanese, they still insisted on announcing their attacks in English. Terrible English at that.

While some of their attack names were cute, they were practically all nonsensical. Although one from the Sailor Stars, Starmaker, really had the best one: Gentle Uterus!

This also got me to thinking about how bro dudes and sluts here in North America tend to tattoo Japanese characters on themselves that they think means "strength" or "loyalty" when in fact it means "tuna" or "cabbage." Given Sailor Moon's hilarious grasp of English, I'm going to assume that Japanese folks also have "tuna" or "cabbage" mistakenly tattooed on themselves as well.

The last thing I learned from Sailor Moon is that Japanese people don't take shit laying down. Regardless of the transgression, be it eating the last cookie or looking at other women while with your girl, the response is the same: announcing your error and exclaiming that "I can NEVER forgive you!" This is usually accompanied by morphing into all manners of angry shapes and sizes with perhaps even a giant teardrop appearing over your head.

The Japanese people are magical I tells ya!

For North Americans, passive aggressive jabs and festering rage is usually our go-to's when dealing with wrongdoing so it's both terrifying and exciting to watch the Japanese really lay down the law and dole out nonforgiveness at the drop of a hat.

I'm a firm believer not to trust what people tell you until you can see or touch or hear it for yourself. I also believe that media is a window into another country's culture. It's how I learned that Americans use the word "sofa" instead of "couch" and wear their shoes indoors all the damn time.

So, until I travel to Japan and see for myself, I'm going to run all of the above assumptions and chastise the Japanese people I know here for holding out on these enchanting and baffling traits.

Monday, 10 March 2014

That Ol' Southern Charm

Netflix has been adamantly recommending My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic to me and I finally checked it out.

Cute, but I'll certainly not be a Brony any time soon.  That said, in cartoons such as this I usually gravitate towards the vain bitch (I love you, Rarity) but I can't help but love the hard-working Southern lass.

While geeking out to Applejack's gumption and oh-so-cute accent, I couldn't help but reflect on some of my other favourite Southern belles.

For me, the grandmammy of all Southern gals would have to be Rogue from the 90s X-Men animated series. Busty, bodacious, more eager to crash through a wall like the Kool-Aid man over talking things out, she was my hero.  No-nonsense, awesome hair, a penchant for biker jackets, what's not to love?

And don't forget her down-home quotes such as "You look nervous as a long-tailed cat in room full of rocking chairs."


Hanna-Barbera's Whacky Races was given a touch of Southern class with the "Glamour Gal of the Gas Pedal". Penelope Pitstop may sound like a truckstop whore but don't be fooled by the name.

Driving her Compact Pussycat, Penelope wore white gogo boots, a pink racing uniform, and came equipped with all manner of stereotypical beauty supplies to wield as weapons in her races.

Although supposedly a hastily-created afterthought in the development of Whacky Races, Penelope went on to spread her Southern ladylike wiles in her own show, The Perils of Penelope Pitstop.

The, ahem, larger-than-life love interest from Eek! The Cat was Annabelle and she was one horny pussy.

The Blanche Devereaux of cartoon cats, Annabelle proved that Southern graces more than make up for any obesity issues.

Even Eek! himself was constantly surprised when others commenting on Annabelle's weight, once commenting "The more of you there is, the more there is to love."

Gawww, sho shweet.

In keeping with the Southern brawlers, Bunnie Rabbot first appeared in 1993's Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon series. Despite not being in the games, her popularity in Archie Comics' Sonic spinoffs is the stuff of legends, likely due to her punch to your gut. And ears.

A Mobian rabbit who was only partially "Roboticized" by Dr. Ivo Robotnik, Bunnie escaped and joined the Knotholl Freedom Fighters. Sporting a violet leotard, her roboticized limbs gave this gal-with-gumption all the boosted strength her Southern heart wanted to smash out.

Similar to Rogue, Bunnie was clearly the "muscle" character of the bunch but rather than being a dumb brute, we were treated to a lass who didn't let the "lil' thangs" quash her optimism.

Whereas southern gentlemen in cartoons are generally racist colonels or redneck yokels, the ladies of the Deep South are gentle, graceful, charming... that is, until you piss them off, then WHOA NELLY, you're in for the beating of your life, sugah!

Monday, 23 September 2013

Introducing... Super Douche

Introducing a new fragrance for the super douche in all of us.

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

Shifty Shades of Grey

With the success of Man of Steel, fanboys and girls all over have been clamoring for news on the future state of the DC cinematic universe. San Diego Comic-Con 2013 answered some of those questions with the reveal that the sequel would introduce the new Dark Knight in Superman vs. Batman. Naturally, these two titans would bleed into the Justice League with rumors of The Flash and Aquaman movies in tow.

One character, however, who's been in development hell for years is Wonder Woman and her film career is still in limbo. Creators from both the comic book and film world alike claim she's impossible to bring to the screen while others claim that it's the studio heads who have just worked themselves up into a corner that she's unfilmable.
Even within the comic book world, famous and talented writers have struggled to find her voice and, as a result, she's never had a definitive story that could translate into a feature film, save her ever-changing origin tale.
What people need to understand is that she's really not so complicated. Or, rather, she really is.
Audiences understand Batman and Superman. One lives in the dark, the other in the light. They are stark contracts to each other but are easily relatable.  Wonder Woman, however, is a bit more grey than the gents in DC's holy Trinity. But where else have we seen blurred lines in a strong female character?

Oh yeah! DC's other most famous leading lady, Catwoman!  A gal who will say one thing, do another, change her mind, and then make her own self-serving plans!  A feline femme fatale who walks the line of light and dark, stealing from the rich but doling out justice as she sees fit. A definite grey area that slots her in neither hero nor villain territory.
But lo, there's Wonder Woman.  Sure, a champion of the good guys... but not so wholesome as Superman. She's on a mission of peace, but she'll beat you over the head with a truck if you cross her. Stunningly beautiful but also terrifyingly intimidating. Granted great wisdom but also great naiveté to the customs of Man's World. Gentle as a warm spring wind... but could also slash open your throat with nary a tear shed.
Y'see kids, yes, she's not Superman. She's not Batman. She's neither dark nor light. She's a very dangerous, wild card grey. Not to be all sexist but some women just are!  And that's okay! It's worked wonders for Catwoman, why can't we celebrate everything that makes Wonder Woman a walking contradiction and throw it up on film?
The moral of the story here is that Wonder Woman is to Superman as Catwoman is to Batman: light and dark. Only less obvious, more nuanced. Truly more well-rounded, versatile, and layered than their male counterparts. Catwoman's dubious shades of grey have led her to great success in all mediums, now it's time to put good ol' Diana front and centre for the world to see what she can do!
Lastly, in a jumble of other "this is what I'd like to see!" of Wonder Woman-ness-on-film, if studios are scared of the one-piece bathing suit?  Give her a Greek soldier look, similar to what we've seen with Erica Durance's version in Smallville.  And as for casting?  Has anyone seen Lynda Carter's daughter, Jessica Altman, lately?! 
And that's my two cents for what it's worth!

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

He-Man and Why I Heart Him

This morning a co-worker asked why, at 34 years old, I still love He-Man. Aside from smack-talking green tigers and unicorns, there are two real main reasons that stuck with me.

The first was one of (if not my very) first memory. I was three, bouncing on my parents’ bed while Ma was getting ready for a night out. Having the balance of a bowling ball even before being introduced to alcohol, I naturally fell off the bed flat on my face. Unflinched and never taking her attention off putting in her earrings, Ma asked “Y’aight?” I knew even then that crying wasn’t going to get me shit and there was nothing nearby I wanted. But then I saw it: a blonde barbarian and a green armored tiger in a clear window box under her bed.

I had but a split moment to react so I grabbed that enchanting box and started. Fucking. BAWLING.
Ma finally turned around and knew instantly I had forced her hand. She hastily tried to explain it was a present for my asshole cousin but the damage was done; I was “injured” and discovered a new toy. The victory was mine and thus started a lifetime love for all plastic He-things.
The second reason is perhaps a bit more personal. Ma decided to tell me I was adopted at an early age so that I could grow into the understanding. It was a smart move but what was even more clever was how she snuck in a Masters of the Universe allegory to help me grasp it. Y’see, He-Man’s main squeeze Teela was adopted by Man-At-Arms at birth… just like me!
Teela’s real mother, the Sorceress of Grayskull, was unable to care for her daughter. Even though she loved Teela, she couldn’t raise her properly so she was forced to send the young infant off to be raised in a more loving environment. It was genius that Ma was paying attention and managed to explain something so difficult for us both in a way that I was already familiar with.
Also, there are smack-talking green tigers and unicorns in He-Man. Duuuuuuhhh!