Catwoman and Botox

Here I present the Catwoman action figure from the Batman: Arkham City line... and Kira from The Dark Crystal. Just sayin'.

Princess of Bitches

She-Ra's friends are assholes.

A Long Time Ago in a Whore House Far, Far Away

How is Star Wars connected to Moulin Rouge? It's a stretch but it's there.

In 2001, Ewan McGregor played Christian in Moulin Rouge, opposite Nicole Kidman who portrayed Satine, the courtesan with consumption.

The two star-crossed lovers were at opposite ends of the class system but their show tunes and smokin' hot bodies still left them wanting more.

Around the same time, McGregor was also starring in the Star Wars prequels as Obi-Wan Kenobi which spawned a spin-off animated series, Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

During the third season of The Clone Wars, Obi-Wan is revealed to be in his own forbidden and unrequited love tryst. In The Mandalore Plot, Obi-Wan is dispatched to protect the sovereign ruler of Mandalore (home of Boba Fett's infamous armour) who is named... Duchess Satine Kryze.

Huh? Huhhh?

The two star-crossed lovers were at opposite ends of political beliefs but their wits and smokin' hot bodies still left them wanting more.

The character of Satine also bore a startling resemblance to Kidman, even sporting a vague Australian accent.

The producers of The Clone Wars have never gone on record of saying that Satine Kryze is an homage to the Satine of Moulin Rouge fame but they've never denied it either.

Unfortunately, Obi-Was has yet to get gitchy gitchy ya ya da da with the Duchess but the series ain't over yet so fingers crossed this love story won't end with Satine croaking (again).

I Hate Daisy Duck

Those of you who know me know that I think Daisy Duck is a monstrous smelly cunt who I'd like to run over and over with my car.

But where does this searing hatred stem from? The simple answer would, of course, be that she's a bitch. But amongst Disney's stable of idiotic but well-meaning characters, she stands out as a completely unstable basketcase; a danger to both herself and others.

To the unseeing eye, Daisy is just another two dimensional "girlfriend" character. Doll up Mickey with a bow and dress and blam, you have Minnie. It followed that Donald deserved a similar treatment. Bow, dress, badda-bing, Daisy is the Yin to Donald's Yang.

But behind this fowl's foul mouth and temptress eyes lurked the mind of a monster...

In 1947's Donald's Dilemma, Donald suffers from amnesia and, for whatever reason, becomes a swingin' crooner who the ladies just love!

In a fit of rage and jealousy, Daisy spins through half a dozen psychological disorders, ranging from anorexia, insomnia, self-described insanity, and even threatens suicide.

Her other appearances in those early shorts feature Daisy flying off the handle in a drama queen meltdown that would make Donald's temper tantrums look like a mild rise in blood pressure. He's often portrayed so anxious around her that he even went so far as to join the French Foreign Legion in 1954's Donald's Diary.

Her mood swings, ability to make others uncomfortable, and psychological ailments combine together to make her the most evil and vindictive sociopath this side of Charles Manson.

Worse, I doubt poor Donald gets any. Looks like he'll have to take care of business himself...

Face of the Enemy

A hero is nothing without a great villain. This goes double for super heroes and super villains. Where one is an exaggerated archetype, their foil must be all the more shitballs crazy.

Cartoon villains definitely fall into the latter category, boasting some ridiculously over-the-top goals of world (and sometimes universe) domination. But there's a sub-category of these villains who, for reasons all their own, remain even more shadowy and mysterious but means of hiding their faces.

Granted, this is a lazy writer's dream. If you can't see their face, you don't have to worry about humanizing them or giving them motivations since they're obviously pure, pure evil. Glossing over that, it's also really sexy never knowing what they look like. What are they hiding? Are they all gross and disfigured under that mask? Or are they just hiding their general inadequacies?

Cobra Commander from G.I. Joe started off as the most intriguing of these villains once the curtain was pulled back, it was a massive WTF moment.

Once the harshly-voiced leader of the terrorist organization known as Cobra, the good commander here was relegated to a whiny, scheming background character by his usurper, Serpentor. Even later in the often-maligned G.I. Joe: The Movie, it was revealed he was a member of an ancient race of snake people named Cobra-La who sent Cobra Commander out to conquer the Earth and make way for their eventual invasion.

Failing that, Cobra-La's leader, Globulus, mutated Cobra Commander into an even weirder-looking salamander who kept hissing "I wasss onccce a maaan!" until he eventually turned into a snake and slithered off. Annoying and unfortunate end for this masked man of mystery.

Although Hordak was She-Ra's main antagonist, poor Hordak took his marching orders from his older brother, Horde Prime. Horde Prime was usually holed up on his throne world or flagship, the Velvet Glove, but sometimes, just sometimes, he'd make a totally bad ass appearance.

Or lack thereof to be specific. Always hidden by thick black smoke, the only part of him we ever saw was one helluva huge metallic hand. His gravelly voice would made the smoke glow green and, to be honest, he scared the sweet fuck out of me when I was a kid. It's not so much that I liked Hordak having to answer to someone higher but it was just that freaky robotic hand! Loved it. Feared it. Respected it.

His face was never seen (except one very weird interpretation in a British magazine) but his action figure in the current Masters of the Universe Classics toyline plans to reveal his face this Spring. Stay tuned, kids!

The ruler of a crime syndicate named M.A.D. (not to be confused with the anti-drunk driving moms), Dr. Claw was a constant thorn in Inspector Gadget's side. If the poor inspector knew what was going on half the time anyway.

Similar to Horde Prime, all we could ever see of Dr. Claw was the back of his chair, his spiked gauntlet, and his ever-present cat/mascot, MAD Cat who he either pets or barely squishes when plans go awry.

His action figure also dropped the ball when it showed his true face. It wasn't clear whether it was just a bad sculpt, he was mangled in an accident, or his parents were brother and sister. In any case, it was a major disappointment.

To counterpoint the cuteness of the Care Bears, their villain No Heart was one bad mo' fo'. Draped in purple robes and a hood that concealed his face, we could at least tell that he had blue skin and eyebrows. And some freaky red eyes.

Remarkably lazy when taking care of business, he sent his dumb ass bumbling henchman Beastly to do all the leg work. Naturally, you send a furball to do all your evil whims, it's bound to end in failure. No wonder he couldn't kill a few dozen teddy bears...

Poor Zoltar from Battle of the Planets might have led the armies of Spectra but he was just a middle man. Taking his marching orders from "The Luminous One," he'd always get one-upped by a bunch of dumb kids in bird-like space suits.

He had no real reason to hide his identity but he had one sexy chin and was a snappy dresser to boot. So maybe his association with the Spectran army was a "Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell" kind of deal.

There are plenty more masked villains, oftentimes from the same shows listed above, but these are among my favorites for their style, elusiveness, whacked-out voices, and keeping the mystery alive!

Care Bears I Can Understand

Even as a kid, I just couldn't get behind them. I mean sure, they had a colorful cast, whacky hijinks, shot concussive laser blasts from their stomachs. But it was just so phony. Their entire existence was spent making you care? Fuck off.

While mulling over them today, I realized that they could easily be updated to cater to jaded, broken souls such as my own.

Truth be told, Tenderheart Bear always creeped me out. The de facto leader of the Care Bears, his cartoon voice sent shivers up my spine and he always seemed to have ulterior motives. What better way to give him an edgy update than make him Pedobear Bear! Hide your wee ones!


Grumpy Bear was easily my favorite because at least he wore his emotions on his sleeve. You piss him off? Oh you bet your sweet ass he'll tell you right where to go. But where is this unresolved anger coming from? Well, given that rotund belly of his, my best guess is he just eats his feelings. So let's slap a golden arch right on there. "I'm lovin' it!"


Good Luck Bear gave you good luck with his four leaf clover belly symbol thing. But this clearly implies he's Irish with therefore implies that he's a mean drunks. Cheers to you, lad!


Cheer Bear was one bitch I just wanted to punch in the face. She was just so damn... cheery! Since her symbol was a rainbow, let's put her to work and spread cheer and pride! Gay Pride that is. Someone get this dyke a bike!


Bedtime Bear was chronically tired. Suspiciously so. I mean sure, we all get run down but he just look it to a whole other level. Clearly, he's been dabbling in prescription "sleeping aids" so let's make him the spokesbear for Lunesta and call it a night.


Speaking of substance abuse, Funshine Bear was one hardcore party girl! She was always on fire, always up for a good time, always wide-eyed and ready to roll. See this this is going? I think you've got a little... yeah, under your nose, just... Yeah, I think you got it.

It's truly, truly SOMEthing alright...

Shout! Factory has unviled the cover for Jem & the Holograms Season 2 on DVD which will hit stores on February 14th, 2012. If anyone knows me, I'd much rather a Jem marathon over flowers any day. Just sayin'.

That said, Jem looks a little... errr...

Well, here's the cover. And a picutre of Angelyne the Billboard Queen beside it. I'm not saying anything per se because there's no need to.

Poor Swifty

From Childhood to Cheetara

The season one finale of Cartoon Network's new ThunderCats series, "Between Brothers," aired last night and I gotta say I'm a lot more satisfied with it than I've been of many of the episodes so far.

Easter eggs dropped throughout the first season finally hatched, while leaving more questions unanswered. Despite many episodes appearing to be throwaways, there does seem to be some master plan and method to the madness.

Oh yeah, and spoilers ahoy, kids.

As the title of the episode suggests, we got lots of grudge matches!

The sibling rivalry between Lion-O and Tygra finally comes to a head in the Astral Plane where Mumm-Ra finally does more than stand around spewing nonsense and brings out the brothers' angst towards each other... especially Tygra who despite being better at, well, everything, is always been overshadowed by this little brother, the heir Lion-O.

Similarly, former brothers-in-arms Panthro and Grune finally get their long overdue slugfest which was easily the highlight of the episode.

The series finale also ties together some of the more questionable episodes such as the senile elephants' Treebeard-esque cavalry to the rescue and Lion-O finally showing off some of his sword skills from "The Duelist and the Drifter."

All that said, however, ThunderCats is still juggling a lot of balls in the air and we're left with tons of questions unanswered. The first two episodes alone suggested the ThunderCat civilization were a bunch of assholes and the episode "Legacy" further cements this, suggesting that the Cats were originally a higher class of slaves of Mumm-Ra's alongside several other anthropomorphic races. What the hell happened to them? How did they get free and capture Mumm-Ra? How did the ThunderCats come out on top to rule Third Earth undisputed?

On top of Jaga's spirit still floating around, now we can add Grune (accompanied by Panthro's forearms) to the list of MIAs.

WillyKit and WillyKat are still on the hunt for some lost city of treasures... maybe that will come up in season two? Or just drop off the wayside?

And what's the deal with these damn jewels that everyone's hunting for? Weren't they looking for the Book of Omens or... other ThunderCat survivors or...? Hell, I don't know half the time. I doubt they even know what they're doing cruising all around in the ThunderTank.

At least one very big loose end got tied up in the last few seconds. Since the original series, Cheetara's choice of bedfellow has always been a hot debate amongst fans. Being the sole female (of consenting age anyway), she naturally had to be banging at least one of her comrades. Depending on the media, she hasn't been too fickle.

She may have chosen her mate based off of late-coming information and throwing red herrings all season by being overly flirtatious with poor Lion-O but, at long last, Tygra comes out on top and gets to pet the best pussy in Cartoon Land!

Although the reasoning was very sweet, let's be realistic; Cheetara likes the bad boys. Who doesn't?

Overall, I want to love this series. I'm very apologetic and forgiving of boring, nonsensical episodes. And it's hard sometimes, it really is! But to be fair, as a whole, season one dropped some fun bombs on us, raised a lot of questions, and is slowly building up what could be a really great epic. We just need to have a little patience and see what season two brings.

My guess? More fur-flying action and hopefully my crush, Bengali!

Cheetara and Self-Image

Eat a sandwich, girl!